


I'll go on, but not without you

by Jeageractive



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Decent ending, Drug Addiction, Eren bby I love you I'm sorry, M/M, Self Harm, Sort of cliche i guess, this is not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-14 14:08:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2194662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeageractive/pseuds/Jeageractive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You keep me going." He'd whisper, as if the spell would be broken if someone else in the quiet of the night heard. </p><p> <em>You know what isn't fair?</em> I <em>could go on just fine without you.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was almost the same every night.

Eren would be there waiting, Levi wouldn't ask how he made it past security when he was sure there was someone letting him off the hook, Levi would pretend that Eren's words are true.

He'd smile, his eyes would soften, and it was so genuine it seemed unfathomable how someone with a fresh batch of scars underneath his sleeves that weren't there yesterday, someone who's cravings have worsened his insomnia and anxiety, could look this blissful even for a small moment.

His fingers were cold, their touch gentle, but his warmth when Levi was underneath his grey hood always made up for it. He smells and tastes minty, Levi knows that it was always lingering on him just because he told him that it was his favorite. The distinctive and deceptively alluring waft of marijuana that always overpowered the mint and Levi had reluctantly gotten used to was an everlasting presence, his second shadow. Levi would tighten his arms around him, a gesture of sheer anger, frustration, helplessness at everything― anger at the world for doing it's own number on him, his shit willpower that meant nothing when he'd already neared rock bottom, at his only resort that Levi was incapable of changing no matter how hard he tried.

All he could do now was be there for those secretive and fleeting nights Eren needed just as much as he wanted, when he was sick of himself and his saving grace, his drugs, his lighter, his meds and anti depressants and just needed a warm and untainted hold.

Part of Levi hated himself, because he couldn't possibly understand what Eren was going through when he had loving parents back home, when he could survive a day without being intoxicated, when he didn't have to watch himself bleed to know that he still existed somehow. 

Every night was the same, it killed him to know that he was the only thing Eren had to look forward to, and his fear of his own self would just increase two fold. He didn't trust _himself_.  And Eren trusted him more than anything.

It was horribly frightening.

"You keep me going." He'd whisper, as if the spell would be broken if someone else in the quiet of the night heard. 

Levi never meets his gaze when he says this, afraid Eren would see something other than he should in his eyes. Levi can't say it.

_You know what isn't fair? I could go on just fine without you._

It wasn't that Levi didn't love him with every ounce of his being. It wasn't that this was a feigned or one sided relationship, but what scared him was he had the absolute upper hand. He could destroy Eren by simply neglecting a night, by hurting him enough with a few words. Eren was like glass.

And Levi couldn't trust himself with someone so fragile. 

He wished he didn't have that fear. He wished he had more faith.

On one of those worse nights, where the rehabilitation center had done it's job well and Eren hadn't had his last consumption in a few days, he still fought to keep his smile unfaltering.

"They said I was doing good." He lied, for Levi, and the said raven saw right through it but didn't say anything. Eren would throw anxious glances around, constantly running the back of his hand against his nose even though it was dry, sniffing an irritant of air. He was probably taking cocaine again, and Levi wanted to kill whoever was keeping him provided, if he knew it would do him any good.

He was doing horrible.

"Maybe a year. A year and it'll be all over." 

That's what he said last year. 

And the year before that.

Levi's parents did what anyone else in their place would do, they forbade him from seeing Eren ever again. They thought it worked, at least. 

"We'll go do all the things we wanted to do. You remember, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"You believe we will, don't you?"

"Of course." Eren lied for him. He'll lie for Eren. It was a funny little game. But there was nothing to laugh about.

He paused to sniff again, stuffed his hands in his pockets, threw another few glances around with a locked jaw. He started to fidget. 

"Do you believe in me?" He said after a while, a hint of hesitance in his voice.

Levi wanted to look away, he really did. But he couldn't, something about the way Eren was intently gazing at him, apprehensively hopeful, the shadows playing along his face from the dim street lights, he felt like if he looked away then he'd already hand Eren the answer. He kept quiet for a moment as he took him in, almost completely unaware of the sudden shower of rain until cold droplets dripped from his chin and pooled at the bare skin of his neck and his collar bones. His eyes flicked upwards for a fleeting second, then settled back on Eren, who's expression hadn't moved a bit. Rain pattered at his hooded head, bangs sticking to his forehead and curling around the frame of his face. 

For some reason, he knew he wouldn't be able to get Eren's image out of his head right then and there, drenched, waiting, a small flicker of hope in his eyes.

Levi said nothing.

Eren then realized he didn't plan to. He moved forward, unzipped his favorite grey sweater and placed it around Levi's shoulders. His eyes expressed nothing but restraint, lots of restraint, for Levi, because he didn't want to look hurt in front of him and make him feel guilty.

Levi loathed himself inexplicably at that moment.

He looked down to avert his gaze, but saw white gauze instead. From wrist until just beneath his elbows, a few fresh dark stains seeping through.

"Sorry it's wet." He said in that small voice he always went into whenever he couldn't trust himself to speak louder. He drew the hood up over his head, zipping it up with shaky hands. The scent of Eren hit him all at once, minty, layered with the smell of smoke and a strange chemical tang.

He kissed Eren, almost apologetically, but he knew no amount of sorry would fix what he'd just done and he couldn't possibly hate himself anymore than he did.

Levi had just thrown a blatant 'I don't believe in you' in his face and essentially expects him to recover on his own because he was the fucking idiot who only wanted Eren when he was clean and healthy, and whatever measures that had to happen in between weren't any of his business all of a sudden.

Levi didn't realize how his decision that night altered everything in between them.

Eren didn't come to see him the next night.


	2. Chapter 2

Levi had done it. And he'd done it good. 

That week promised lots of rain and thunder, he'd stand by the street lamp and bench that they'd never sat on, lean against the back of the old and chipped building and wait. Stare ahead at the dark alleyway that only cast some illumination by it's entrance, by the glow of the rain underneath the flickering light. Drench Eren's sweater again, but never washing it, afraid he'll lose the scent of him.

It was the same every night.

Two days. Three. Four. Eight. He'd wait, get drenched, walk back home alone and shivering. He wondered if that's what Eren felt in that moment, standing there patiently, that small look in his eyes. 

He stood there the ninth day, part of him expecting the useless outcome. His eyes caught a small shadow at the other end of the alley, picking up the sound of scraping shoes against the pebbled ground. 

He stood away from the building, a little surprised, realizing as he neared the light that it was indeed Eren.

Eren gazed at him from underneath his eyelashes, and it was weird but he couldn't identify the emotion on his face. Maybe it was because he wasn't smiling.

"Hey," He croaked, and Eren greeted back, a lopsided smile finding it's way on his face. It was so half-assed Levi wanted to cringe.

"Where were you?" He couldn't help but ask, regarding the brunet nervously. It was so strange. It's like he didn't know Eren anymore. 

"Up there." He murmured with a slight tilt of his chin, a smirk tugging at his lips.

Eren never joked about his addiction.

Levi swallowed, fingers playing at the hem of the sweater. He remained silent, waiting for Eren to initiate the next gesture, a kiss, a hug, anything but this dead silence. Eren simply slipped his hands in his pockets and lazily chewed his gum.

It was too late, he knew. But it was better than never."I'm...sorry."

"What for?"

Levi glanced up. Eren's eyes didn't let on on anything. He noticed how awfully constricted his pupils were, and it made no sense when there was barely any light.

"For acting like I had no faith in you."

Eren's eyes swept to the side as if in thought, but there was nothing. Nothing on his face. Then he cocked an accusatory eyebrow." _Acting_?"

Levi felt cornered."I didn't mean it."

"Didn't mean what? Being honest? Not knowing what to say?"

"What's-What's _wrong_ with you today?"

He narrowed his eyes in question."What isn't?"

"I'm sorry." He repeated."But if you think I don't trust you, then why would I be here?"

He shrugged."Doesn't matter anymore." It was scary how quickly he'd swung from a slight flicker of angry to apathetic.

"Really?"

"Of course."

Levi didn't know what to do. This wasn't Eren. This wasn't the Eren he was used to."What have you been doing all these nights?"

"Sleeping."

"Of course you were."

Eren shot him another sharp glance."That's what I could be doing right now."

Ouch.

Levi sealed his lips, gazed at Eren intently. Then it suddenly hit him."What are you taking?"

"So I have to be taking something now, is that it?"

"Eren."

"Fuck you. I'm sick of this."

" _You're_ sick of this?"

Levi didn't see it coming, which is why he didn't react a bit when he was suddenly slammed against the chipped wall. He stared at Eren in stunned silence, who only then seemed to register what he'd just done and loosened his grip around the front of Levi's shirt with an alarmed expression.

His breaths were short, came out in small puffs like he'd just run a marathon. Then Levi saw it, and he lost it.

"What's this?" He shoved Eren away and back with one simple motion, grabbing the scarf he'd barely noticed the presence of to fully expose his neck. Eren didn't fight back. Levi took one glance at the small needle pricks, scattered around his unblemished skin, to figure it out.

"You're not taking anything, are you?" It came out harsher than he'd like, but he couldn't just bystand and watch. Not when it'd reached this extent."Yeah. You're doing just fucking fine. Wasn't all that poison enough? wasn't it?"

Eren grabbed his scarf back. Nine days. They were enough to fucking destroy him.

"You're just killing yourself."

"Glad to have someone else confirm that."

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Levi hissed between clenched teeth when Eren took a few steps back.

"Hell, for all you care." He turned around and broke into a run, and even though Levi knew damn well he could outrun him, he made no attempt to follow him, because Eren had very much hit rock bottom and that was that.

He turned around and dragged himself back home, a slight stumble in his steps. At some point, he paused to throw his head back and run his hands through his hair in frustration.

"God, he's taken it."

Eren had taken heroin. And those wounds in his neck were a sure sign of his intentional suicide attempt.

There were no more secretive meetings at night, no such thing as Eren and Levi. There was only Eren, fading in and out, and Levi, helpless and drowning in self loathing. 

He never trusted himself from the start.

His parents found out. Maybe it was the sweater. Or maybe it was because he refused to wash it. Eren soon became a thing of the past.

And Levi forgot, almost forgot the odd combination of mint and marijuana, forgot how Eren used to smile. Forgot how warm he was under his hood, breathing the same air he was.

But he didn't forgive himself. It was like every time he'd try to think he'd done a good job, every time he thought he'd been successful in life, Eren's image would flicker before him, his wet bangs stuck to his forehead, his apprehensiveness, standing there waiting. Waiting.

It was ridiculous to think how only a few words (or lack thereof) could cause so much damage. 

He didn't return to the rehab center, even after he was older and independent, even when the opportunity presented itself. He couldn't bring himself to go ask about Eren, because he was more than sure there would be only two answers.

He's still stuck in there; or he's committed suicide a long time ago.

He believed in the latter more than he would like. Maybe because it came with a certain comfort of knowing that Eren wouldn't suffer anymore.

And that was it. Eren was dead to him, and his heart was stuck in the past despite nearly forgetting everything. He spent ten years of his life well, aced his years in school, got himself a decent job. Sugar coated his guilt with the reminder of his childishness back then, his over attachment. He was supposed to give up on Eren the moment he realized he was an addict, anyway. 

But life had a way, it's own way that was simply unfathomable. Good or bad, sometimes it was hard to figure out. 

He'd fell into his own routine, long shifts at the hospital, home, work again. Bland, but to the point. Nothing out of the ordinary.

This morning was a little different, what with his painful task of giving a newbie a tour around the place. He'd tried to avoid this particular job for the longest time, but it always comes back and bites him in the ass.

"He's in the lounge." Petra motioned to the said area with her clipboard, cup of tea in her other hand."Hanji's keeping him busy."

"Why so nice? Show it to him the hard way." 

"Don't worry, you'll be enough."

Levi just scoffed as he strolled into the lounge, snapping the latex gloves he carelessly forgot off while was at it. Hanji's chipper voice instantly reached him with an extra sting to the eardrum. 

 "Well, you know, since we're assigned all the dirty work and the doctor just bosses us around. Pretty tough job."

Levi snorted, forgetting for a moment how she ranted her complaints in one go to all the noobs. If she didn't scare them away, then he was next in line.

"Alright." He began without really taking the time to acknowledge the occupants of the room."Let's get started."

He heard Hanji whisper a, 'he's taking out his wip' when he rummaged through his locker and rolled his eyes, snapping it shut."This isn't a stable."

Hanji smiled sheepishly at him. His eyes drifted to the guy that hadn't made a peep since he came, and suddenly an even longer silence followed. 

"Hi." His lips curled into a grin as he got up and crossed the few steps towards him."It's nice to meet you. I'm Eren."

Levi's eyes flicked from the offered hand to his face. His smile was warm, it reached his eyes. 

Levi swallowed thickly, his hand remained stiff by his side."Hanji." She took one glance at him before silently exiting, and that he could appreciate so much.

It was just them now. He could ask, he could demand. He could make the same mistake again. But then again, it was in his nature to be silent. He took Eren's hand, felt rather than saw him stiffen, and instead pulled him into a thoughtless embrace.

He was here. Alive and breathing, and there was nothing layering that waft of mint.

"You kept me going." He said it again, that heartless idiot.

_So did you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed my mind :D wooo


End file.
